We love to label things. Labels bring order. They help us make sense of the world quickly. A label on a jar tells us what is inside. A label on a file tells us where it belongs. Labels give us clarity and control. But unlike jars and files, people cannot be reduced to what is written about them. Somewhere along the way, however, we began doing exactly that. And then we started labelling our children.

“She’s shy.” “He’s lazy.” “She’s the difficult one.” “He’s always naughty.”

Most parents do not say these things with the intention to harm. Often the words slip out in a moment of frustration, exhaustion, or genuine concern. But words have a way of lingering long after the moment has passed.And for a child who is still figuring out who they are, a repeated label can quietly become an answer to that question.

Long before modern psychology began exploring how repeated messages shape identity, the Qur’an taught us to be mindful of the names and descriptions we attach to others. In Surah Al-Hujurat, Allah warns the believers:

“O believers! Let not some people ridicule others, they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule other women, they may be better than them. Do not defame one another, nor call each other by offensive nicknames…” (Surah Al-Hujurat 49:11)^[1]

This verse is often read in the context of social interactions among adults. Yet its wisdom reaches into our homes and into the quiet moments of everyday parenting. If labels and hurtful names have the power to wound adults, how much greater is their impact on children who are still discovering who they are?

The prohibition against offensive nicknames is not merely about avoiding hurt feelings. It reminds us that reducing a person to a label can distort the way we see them — and the way they see themselves.

The Human Tendency to Reduce People to Labels

Human beings naturally seek shortcuts in understanding others. Labels simplify reality. They allow us to categorise, predict, and make sense of behaviour quickly. Yet in doing so, we often reduce complex individuals to a single characteristic, weakness, strength, or moment in time.

The child who struggles to sit still becomes “the difficult child.” The child who makes frequent mistakes becomes “the careless child.” The child who cries easily becomes “the sensitive child.” Over time, these descriptions can stop being observations and start becoming identities.

Islam offers a different way of seeing people. Rather than reducing individuals to a single mistake, weakness, or moment in time, the Qur’an repeatedly presents human beings as capable of repentance, growth, and transformation. A person’s identity is not frozen at their lowest point. This principle becomes especially important when dealing with children, who are still developing emotionally, spiritually, and morally.

Yaʿqub’s (alayhis-salam) Wisdom: Warning Without Labeling

One of the most beautiful illustrations of this principle appears in the story of Yusuf (alayhis-salam) and his father Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam), where we see how a parent can recognise danger without reducing people to their weaknesses.

When Yusuf (alayhis-salam) shared his remarkable dream with his father, Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam) immediately recognised that the dream could provoke jealousy among his brothers. He lovingly advised:

“O my dear son! Do not relate your vision to your brothers, or they may devise a plot against you. Surely Satan is a sworn enemy to humankind.” (Surah Yusuf 12:5)^[2]

What is striking about this advice is not only what Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam) said, but what he chose not to say. He did not describe Yusuf’s brothers as evil. He did not tell Yusuf (alayhis-salam) that they were bad people. He did not reduce them to the jealousy he feared might arise within them. Instead, he warned Yusuf (alayhis-salam) about a possible situation and identified Shaytan as the true enemy.

Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam) recognised a real danger without assigning a permanent negative identity to his sons.

This is a profound lesson for parents and educators. There are times when children display behaviours that require correction. We may need to address lying, jealousy, aggression, selfishness, disrespect, or disobedience. Yet there is a difference between addressing behaviour and defining identity.

A child who tells a lie should not be made to believe that dishonesty is who they are. A child who behaves selfishly should not be made to believe that selfishness defines them. A child who struggles with anger should not be taught that anger is their identity. Wise parenting acknowledges behaviour while leaving room for repentance, growth, and change.

Building Identity Before Crisis Arrives

Immediately after warning Yusuf (alayhis-salam), Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam) gave his son an identity rooted in hope.The Qur’an tells us:

“And so will your Lord choose you, teach you the interpretation of dreams, and perfect His favour upon you and the descendants of Yaʿqub…” (Surah Yusuf 12:6)^[3]

Notice where Yusuf’s (alayhis-salam) identity was anchored. Not in the jealousy of his brothers. Not in the trials that awaited him. Not in the opinions of people. His identity was connected to how Allah saw him, through His favour and His plan for his life. It was this identity that prepared him long before the trials arrived.

Yusuf (alayhis-salam) would later be betrayed by those closest to him. He would be thrown into a well, sold into slavery, falsely accused, and imprisoned despite his innocence. Yet throughout these hardships, he was never defined by what happened to him. His circumstances changed repeatedly, but his identity remained connected to how Allah defined him.

This offers an important lesson for parents, educators, and anyone entrusted with nurturing young hearts.

Many children today derive their sense of self from temporary things: academic performance, popularity, sportsmanship, appearance, or the opinions of others. While these things may be meaningful, they are unstable foundations upon which to build identity. Identity anchored in the transient collapses when those things are lost. The example of Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam) teaches us to help children build identities rooted in something deeper: their relationship with Allah, their character, their values, and their potential to grow.

The Labels Children Carry Today

Many children carry labels that were never intended to become permanent.

Sometimes these labels come from parents. Sometimes from teachers, siblings, friends, or even the children themselves. The danger is not merely that children hear these labels, but that they begin to build their identity around them.

A child who believes they are “the naughty one” may stop striving to make better choices because the label begins to feel like who they are. A child who believes they are “the shy one” may avoid opportunities that could help them grow. A child who believes they are “the smart one” may become paralysed by the fear of making mistakes.

This concern is echoed in psychology. The Pygmalion Effect suggests that the expectations placed upon children by significant adults can influence their behaviour, motivation, and performance over time.^[4] When children repeatedly hear labels or experience expectations from those they trust, those messages can gradually become internalised, shaping how they see themselves and what they believe they are capable of.

When a label is repeated often enough, it can become the story a child tells themselves about who they are.

Speaking to Potential

One of the greatest gifts we can give children is language that separates behaviour from identity.

Instead of saying “You are lazy,” we might say: “You seem to be finding this task difficult right now.” Instead of “You are naughty,” we might say: “That choice was hurtful.” Instead of “You are careless,” we might say: “Let’s think about how we can be more careful next time.”

This does not remove accountability. Rather, it strengthens it.

When children believe they are capable of growth, they are more willing to take responsibility for their actions. When they believe they are permanently defined by their mistakes, change can feel impossible.

The goal is not to ignore wrongdoing. The goal is to correct it in a way that preserves dignity, hope, and the possibility of improvement.

A Child Is Still Becoming

The story of Yusuf (alayhis-salam) reminds us that people are more than their hardest moments, their greatest struggles, or the labels others place upon them.

Yaʿqub (alayhis-salam) warned Yusuf (alayhis-salam) about what his brothers might do, but he did not teach him to see his brothers through that mistake forever. He recognised the danger without destroying the possibility of redemption.

As parents, we would do well to follow that example. Every child is still becoming. The child who struggles today is not destined to struggle forever. The child who makes mistakes is not defined by them. The child who falls short today may, by Allah’s permission, grow into someone remarkable tomorrow.

The words we speak today may become the voice our children hear for years to come.

Let us choose words that guide, correct, and nurture, without confining our children within a label.

Our children will carry many voices with them as they grow. Our children will carry many voices with them as they grow. May the loudest one be the voice that reminds others of Allah, capable of growth and goodness. May the shy and sensitive one carry the strength of compassion. May the angry one channel his anger against injustice. May the stubborn one carry the strength of being unwaveringly firm in obedience. May the playful carry the strength of guarded joy. May the ambitious shape the society. Aameen.

1. Qur’an, Surah Al-Hujurat 49:11, Translation by Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran, accessed via Quran.com, 18 July 2026. ↑

2. Qur’an, Surah Yusuf 12:5, Translation by Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran, accessed via Quran.com, 18 July 2026. ↑

3. Qur’an, Surah Yusuf 12:6, Translation by Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran, accessed via Quran.com, 18 July 2026. ↑

4. Jussim, L., & Harber, K. D. (2005). Teacher Expectations and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: Knowns and Unknowns, Resolved and Unresolved Controversies. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 9(2), 131–155. ↑